Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
