You just made me feel so damn special
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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