i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
