My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
