Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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