i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
