Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
