; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
