Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
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Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
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once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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