She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
