i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
