everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
