the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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