Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
