mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
