**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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