Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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