He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
