Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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