I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
