girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
