she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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