I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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