I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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