insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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