I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
