My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
