sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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