I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
