Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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