So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
