can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
