I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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