wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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