I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
