Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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