i already hear my dad disowning me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Everything about him screamed your future.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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