A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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