Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
