i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
