just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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