That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
