you would pick up someone in the library
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
