how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
