I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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