Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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