did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
