True but thats because hes a fetus.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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