I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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