ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
