too bad you live with your parents still
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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