If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
