Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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