Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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