Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
